I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
