I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
