you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
