As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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