Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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