Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So many bounce houses so little time
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
