I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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