I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
