Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
