she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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