Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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