I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
