Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
