I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
