My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
