My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
