Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
