he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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