Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize