Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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