Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
