I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
