Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
