i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
