I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
