Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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