I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
