i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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