Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
