WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
