If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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