I accidentally had phone sex last night
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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