you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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