I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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