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if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
