I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
