I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
