Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
