i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
