youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
