i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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