i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
