Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
