Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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