Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize