well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
