good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
