dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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