Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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