The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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