I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
