She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
