i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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