Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
