I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
