Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
