why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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