She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
