Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
